An open letter to Brazilians,
We need to clarify some things:
Children, and when I write “children” it includes toddlers, can ride piggyback on motorcycles without helmets, but we will get a ticket if my arm hangs outside the car window? Let me get this straight…the Brazilian authorities have no problem with children being potentially hurled through the air to be greeted by a bloody death but the thought of a bruised arm is just too much to handle? Really?
In countless outdoor markets, I have bared witness to make-shift butcher shops with raw meat hanging from hooks, like something out of a Wes Craven film, spoiling in the white-hot heat. (Is anyone sure the FDA can’t get temporary jurisdiction here?) I have seen Brazilian women bare-hand handle a piece of carcass to haggle with the also bare-handed (no gloves) butcher (who happens to look like a character out of a Wes Craven film, too) over price. You are obviously not a squeamish type of women. But, I have to drive 20 miles to purchase a normal box of tampons? And when I ask Brazilian woman if they use tampons they cringe as though I just asked them if they are comfortable disemboweling themselves. So, let me get thisstraight….rotted, gutted, animal blood..Okay. Your own blood…Disgusting. Seriously?
And, while I’m at it, speaking of the FDA and disgusting….we just ate at a packed restaurant with a non-working bathroom. Of course, I didn’t know it was not working (why would there be a sign? I guess I wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway) and after I peed and could not flush. The waitress had to come over to pour the bucket of water (that was conveniently placed next to the toilet bowl) in the toilet to make it go down. She looked at me as if I had a brain injury. As if I should know…Oh, there’s the bucket of water I need to flush! I asked her about washing my hands. She left and came back a couple of minutes later. I washed my hands over the non-working sink as she poured (a different) bucket of water over them. It’s not so much the experience that concerned me..it’s that I witnessed other people leave the bathroom. You get me? Other people left the bathroom. How did they wash their hands? Point is, Brazilians, you are okay with eating in a restaurant without a bathroom but you looked at me with complete disgust when I picked up my slice of pizza with my hands. So, let me get this straight….shit-soiled hands are fine if you’re going to eat with a fork & knife…but picking up a slice of pizza with my just-washed fingers…bad? You’re killin’ me!!
But one thing I love you for, my friends in this rural part of Brazil, is that you are still sticking with a siesta! Sure enough, between 11:30AM – 1:30PM everything is closed! The gym, the grocery stores, the pharmacies, the bakeries….everything. It took me a while to figure it out because that is my normal lunch and nap time, too. Turns out you were all lunching and napping as well. Maybe I could get used it here. Just amp up your technology, get some food regulations, turn down the heat a tad oh, and stop treating women like they are 1950s housewives (that, maybe, is a topic for another email!)
Boa noche!